You can't joke about that

It's 8am and I'm laying on my grandmother's couch listening. She's pulling the cord to the light switch for the tenth time. She's forgotten how it works. She keeps telling me I can leave then she yells from the other room asking where the spoons are. She's perfect, as always, but she's not who she's supposed to be. I know she's under there, though, full of spunk and charm. It's just getting harder to see.

She walks in to tell me she's not up for rushing around. She's told me this 3 times already. She can tell me again, I don't mind. She looks out the window and is utterly amazed at the wind. If you spent a day with her, she would acknowledge the wind at least five times. I look out. If I squint, I can ever so slightly see the leaves flutter. It makes me smile.

I make it a point to answer like it's the first time I've ever heard the questions. Sometimes I spice things up; I change my tone or add a little flair. She deserves that.

God promises to make something good out of the storms that bring devastation to your life.”

-Romans 8:28

I mean.. I'm waiting for the good. I'll have patience and know that God has a plan. And if that plan involves me buying scratch tickets on the daily and praying for a winner, then so be it. Just kidding, God, gambling is wrong. But if we're being completely honest, a few extra bucks wouldn't hurt. I wouldn't be greedy. I just want to pay my ridiculous condo fee and perhaps buy an oreo mcflurry from time to time.

I keep reading that if you've never experienced Alzheimer's, it's hard to understand. I understand. And it's excruciating. I thought by writing I could get some of the emotions off my chest. Maybe others would relate or get a glimpse of this devastating disease. Throw in a tid bit of humor. Just a splash. It might be the only way I survive. We all can't believe how fast it progresses; every day is worse than the day before. She's called me her niece, but I'm grateful she knows who I am. And that I'm here. I swear if I didn't keep track, she would overdose on tylenol. She gets up about every 3 minutes and says she needs an aspirin. I started keeping track. I give it to her when it's been 6 hours, sometimes 4 if I'm feeling extra nice. She had 4 teeth removed over a week ago and she consistently tells me her mouth hurts and she has no idea why. She didn't recognize her house when we pulled in two days ago. She asked who lived here.

I had the grand idea of having her live with me. Two days ago, I packed up her clothes and medications and traveled the 6 minutes to my house. She seemed to do great. She said the easy mac I made was downright excellent and the flavor was fantastic. I didn't have coffee, but she settled for tea, after requesting coffee 8 times. She wanted socks because apparently my central A/C was too aggressive. She's used to turning off her window air conditioner every time I turn it on. But when she woke up, she put on all of her clothes from the day before and strapped on her open-toed shoes, socks and all. She sat in my living room chair with her cane. It was 7am. She asked who was coming to get her to take her home. I broke down in that moment. I called my mom and my mom got on the phone with her to tell her she should stay with me, that there was nothing to do at her house, and that we could find something fun to do together. Grammy was not having it. She said she was fine and could stay alone and didn't need anyone watching her. She handed me the phone and my mom said to wait a little longer, she would be okay. But I saw the tears well in grammy's eyes. “I'm bringing her home.”

I've been here since. It's not ideal but we make sacrifices for the ones we love the most, right? Maybe I won't write again. Maybe I'll track my feelings through this horrendous disease and view it as a tribute to my grandmother's journey. I haven't decided yet. But I truly feel that God will guide my family and we will come out stronger in the end. We have to.

The leaves are moving a bit more, I guess it's windy.

xoxo

Tayla