Oh, okay

Ugh, my first mammogram. Means I'm getting older. Not that I wasn't already aware. Alexius and Christos go cross-eyed looking for my gray hairs. But at my most recent physical my doctor suggested we schedule it because 40 will be here soon enough. November 14 for those thinking ahead 😉.. I like donuts, crystals, sweatshirts..

I was awkward, per usual. The lady told me to undress from the waist up, and why I didn’t wear my shoes out of the dressing room is beyond me, but I didn’t. I walked out and asked, ‘should I be wearing shoes?’ ‘Uh, yeah,’ she said. ‘Okay, yeah, I don’t know why I’m not.’ 

I know everyone has their own experiences, but I actually didn’t mind it one bit. I mean.. I didn’t enjoy it. But I felt no pain, just awkwardly letting some stranger slap me on a piece of glass like a slab of clay. It was quick and easy.

She did tell me it’s common to be called back after your first because there’s nothing to compare the images to. Makes sense. This was on a Friday. 

I got a call Monday morning to come back for more images. That's fine, they said this would happen. The radiologist saw something 'suspicious.' They asked if I could come that day. Oof. Red flag number one. I said I could come the next day and so I did. The woman who did the images was top 10 nicest people ever. We did the thing.. A little less clay-like and a little more meticulous. And I kept my shoes on. Things were looking up. I waited for the doctor to check things out before I could get changed. When she came back and said ‘all set’ I thought I was good to go, just a glitch in the system. Probably got a cheese ball stuck in there from years back. But she meant I was all set to get dressed and schedule an appointment for a biopsy. I guess that counts as red flag number 2. I went into an office with pink bulletin boards and pink flowers and met with a lady wearing pink ribbons on her jacket. Ah shit. 

Now, she... she was like top 5 nicest people I’ve ever met. At this point I’m calling all these nice people red flag number 3. Everyone was too nice. She explained what was going on.. That I had calcifications and they were suspicious-looking to a doctor who knows what he’s doing, so they wanted to biopsy the area and see if all was well. 80% of the time the sample comes back benign. Excellent chances. I've heard this before. I know lots of women with calcifications. No big. So we schedule it and I call my mom and say it’s most likely nothing. Then I go back and forth on whether or not it's a Burger King kind of day. Mom always says it is. She gets me. But when I get home the top 5 nicest lady ever calls me. She says she’s not comfortable with the date we picked for the biopsy. She wants it sooner. I think we’re on red flag 4. 

So I’m back again. I’m not even kidding when I tell you there are 3 of the nicest women surrounding me in a little surgical room doing their biopsy thing as only 3 of the nicest women can. I don’t know where they get them. They must get nitrous oxide between patients. 

One of them turned my head the whole time so I couldn’t see what was happening and just talked to me. I see you. It didn’t hurt. Well, my head kinda hurt after being twisted the entire time, but the procedure itself didn’t hurt. Strangely, the worst part was having bandages there. I don’t know why, but it really bothered me. Maybe it scared me. 

So, biopsy Monday. Results in 3 to 5 days. Nice lady says, ‘I can’t tell you what to do. It’s gonna come on the portal before I have a chance to call you and it’s totally your call if you want to check it or not.’ I’m absolutely gonna check it. And then use Reddit to fact check everything. I got this. In the meantime, I was asking people to name 8 women. Any 8. And then I asked if any of them had breast cancer. They didn’t. The statistics said 1 in 8 women get breast cancer. I had a feeling that I was gonna be the 1. But everyone kept saying not me. I’ll be fine. Even the doctors. Except for the radiologist who said, ‘well, whatever it is, life works out.’ Thanks babe. 

Wednesday, my phone rang. Before the portal. Red flag. Super nice lady asks if it’s a good time to talk. Crimson flag. In the sweetest way she says, ‘so it did come back cancerous.’ Pause.  And I respond, ‘Oh, okay.’

Definitely not how it happens on tv. Not for me, anyway. There was no: "you have breast cancer." And there was no shocked gasp followed by uncontrollable sobbing. Just ‘oh, okay.’ Then she explained what would happen next, which I heard none of. Lots of appointments, an mri, surgeon, genetics. I’d figure it out later. I’ve never gotten so many phone calls in my life. Jill thought I meant people were calling me concerned. That tickled me. I hadn't told anyone. So many doctors calling to schedule visits and explain procedures. 

Now here we are. It’s not something that just naturally flows in conversation. I don’t want to ruin anyone’s day. And I don’t know what to say. I have breast cancer and I joke about it and it makes people uncomfortable. The jokes, not the cancer. They're seriously in bad taste. But I joke because I feel so guilty for making other people feel bad for me. And I really do appreciate the love and concern. By all means, if you feel like reaching out, send a text. Cause I'll most likely deny your call. But if you don't feel like it, don't. Everyone has their own stuff they're dealing with. I don't keep tabs on people. I won't hold it against you. I'm not writing for you to comfort me. We all know how I feel about people. Writing just brings me relief and if you want to read it and respond, lovely. And if you say, 'who's she?' no worries. Just another bump in the road for another human trying to get by. I consider writing therapy. Along with the heavy meds I'm taking and the lady I see once a week who tells me I'm okay. The writing helps.

I can’t say most of what I say on a daily basis because it’s morbid and I guarantee 92% of you would not be laughing along, but it’s all I have for now. Otherwise I just think and think and think. About every possible thing that could go wrong, all the choices I have to make, how they’ll affect me later, and how this whole shitty situation is gonna impact everyone around me. I told my mom to stop being so nice to me. But then I took it back cause I missed the attention and goodies. I mean I have cancer, I think she can bring me home an ice cream every now and then. I'm trying to stay positive, but I’m definitely not doing a walk-a-thon if anyone was looking for a good time. These legs are meant to be in a horizontal position, on my bed, while I watch behavior panelists analyze serial killers’ body language. So please don’t get me a pink ribbon or a warrior magnet for my car. I really do admire all the women who embrace the pink and come together to fight and survive. I’m just not there. I’m more overwhelmed and annoyed and anxious and that’s how I want to be right now. And I’m scared.

Xoxo, 

Cancer girl

Jk

too soon

Tayla

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Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6