sorry not sorry

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

Mark 11:25

Forgiveness. The Bible has a lot of it. Which I personally think is tough because I'm a Scorpio and I don't take most things lightly. But this is a learning experience for me and I'm willing to recognize what I need to let go of in order to be a better version of myself. And yet there also needs to be a balance between the ability to forgive without sacrificing your own morals and standards. It's not going to happen today or tomorrow; it's a work in progress and that's all any of us can do.

God forgives us every day. He sacrificed Jesus so that we could be forgiven. We expect a lot from the guy. We pray and ask forgiveness for greed, jealousy, anger, betrayal. But then aunt Faye sends my sister a Christmas card and I'm checking my mailbox daily, waiting for mine to arrive. I can't wait to see what news she has about the weather in Florida and how she's dealing with her fibromyalgia. And wouldn't ya know? I never get a card. And I'm mad. The nerve. But if I took 2 minutes to stop rolling my eyes and texting my family about the ignorance of such an evil woman to exclude me from the gift of Christmas joy, I would realize that my sister sent 'aunt Faye' a card first and the gesture was only an equal exchange of gratitude. Guess who's sending Christmas cards next year? The point is that we experience all of this pettiness of our everyday lives and hold it against the people we love the most. And then expect God to forgive us for our own sins. We're all flawed, and if we can't reconcile relationships or at least try, we're just as culpable as those who have sinned against us.

There are 3 different types of forgiveness. There has to be some sort of categorization, otherwise forgiving my sister for refusing to subscribe to my blog and forgiving someone for murder would be on the same plane. And while I think it's super bitchy that she can't take 4 seconds to enter her email address to support a girl trying to save the world, I'm not going to compare it to intentional homicide. But it's still rude.

1. Exoneration. This is where you can completely let things go. Wipe the slate clean, start over. It's all in the past. It's been said that holding onto anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Preach. It's harmful to our own state of mind and well being and overwhelms our thoughts with anxiety and tension. To be able to let go is to be able to heal your soul. You recognize that the intent of someone was not to hurt, but was a product of our innate characteristics as human beings. An accident. We mess up; we feel bad; we promise to never do it again. Like when I was wearing a red sweatshirt and my dad greeted me by saying "HEY SANTA!" I mean, no female wants to be compared to a man weighing well over 300 pounds that has prominent facial hair and would be getting the senior discount at the movie theater without being asked for ID. But this is Tom. And Tom means well. Was I livid? Yup. But he thought it was hilarious and you better believe he'll never do it again. Not after the looks I gave him.

With exoneration, the person takes full responsibility for what they've done and you feel confident that they won't do it again. You accept their apology and your relationship is just as strong as it was prior. Everybody wins. Even Santa.

2. Forbearance. Forbearance is like saying 'I forgive you, but I won't forget.' It involves one of the most obnoxious apologies. It's a half ass apology. You know the ones. 'I'm sorry that what I said made you feel bad.' Insert passive aggressive smile. These apologies are never what you hope for. They're not genuine. But forbearance allows you to forgive because the relationship means more to you than the hurt. And you're willing to continue the relationship because of it. But you have permission to stand guarded and build trust back that was lost. I like to think I'm a half decent person. I care about the people I care about. So when my sister was having her third baby and first girl I wanted to plan something special. A surprise shower. Perfect. Small but meaningful. After months of planning and prep; invitations were sent, decorations were ordered. I even youtubed how to frost cupcakes to look like flowers. I was all in. And Ashley decided that her family was going apple picking that day. No big deal. I'll just enlist her friends to ask her out to lunch while they're all in town for a girls day. Nah, Ashley's going apple picking. We're all coming up with every excuse we can think of to get her to this shower, and for some unknown reason she just has to go apple picking. I talk to her husband.. she NEEDS to change the day, we need to get her to this shower. Convince her. Sorry Tay, she really wants to go apple picking. I had to tell her. I whined and told her she ruins everything and that her love for Granny Smith and Golden Delicious wreaked havoc on our day. Her response: a shoulder shrug and "I told you not to do anything." Okay. Head Nod. Wowwww. It ended up being a beautiful day and at least Ashley had preparation to put some make up on because God knows what she would have shown up looking like. There's a 50/50 chance she would have walked in without a bra. But I forgive her because I love her. And because I really love my niece and nephews. I'm just not planning any surprise parties soon.

3. Release. This type of forgiveness usually includes betrayal, abuse, deception. Whoever hurt you does not acknowledge they've done anything wrong or their apology is clearly insincere and thus meaningless. To be able to forgive this pain is to remove yourself from the burden of it. To not let it disrupt your happiness and your ability to move forward. Relationships may be broken, but the need to carry resentment and anger is released. This is for you. It's selfish. It keeps you from living in the past and enables you to find peace. Otherwise, that person is freely and carelessly occupying space in your life by holding you down. You have the choice to chain yourself to the pain or to release yourself from it so that bitterness doesn't seep its way in. I won't give an example here because it's not funny. We've all been there, but the question lies in whether or not you have the ability to acknowledge its significance without letting it affect the other aspects of your life. You have other friends and family that love you and care for you deeply. Maybe you have a job you enjoy or a hobby you're passionate about. Or a house that brings you happiness. But all that you're grateful for is diminished when you allow negativity to control you. Recognize the lessons learned, because there is always at least one. Perspective is everything. You can dwell and cry and tell everyone you know what an awful person they are.. or you can wish them well and lead a fulfilling life. The best part is that you get to decide.

So what did we learn today? Subscribe to my blog. Don't call me Santa. Don't plan surprise parties. Aunt Faye sucks. But really.. humble yourself and recognize that we all commit sins and God will forgive you if you continue to do better. Do better.

xoxo

Tayla

*Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.