Look for the light

---

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. - Romans 12:2

---

The silence of isolation is deafening. Except for the little shit next door bouncing his basketball for the past hour. Totally kidding. I love kids. And I love that people are getting fresh air and exercising. I think we have two choices as we are told to quarantine; we can lose our minds or we can see this as an opportunity to truly get to know ourselves. I miss my nephews and my niece and my entire family. But we're healthy and we have technology to connect us. We're lucky. This virus is horrifying to say the least, but if we choose to see the glass half full you'll find the sparks of positivity and hope. Don't get me wrong, 72% of the time, I'm a glass half empty kind of girl, but I'm working on it. And at least I have juice. And maybe a bit of vodka.

What if all this is a reminder to slow down? We're so consumed with our jobs and what time our next appointment is and how we're going to get the kids to practice. By the time you get home and cook dinner and make sure homework is done and the children are somewhat clean, you sleep. And it's usually never enough sleep. And then it starts all over again. We've been given this time to reconnect and reflect. To remember what actually matters. Cherish this time with your families. I pray to God it doesn't happen again. Not this way. Maybe it can be a reminder, though, to step back, take a personal day, cancel some of those appointments, skip practice just once. And instead do a puzzle, play a game, cook dinner together, go for a family hike.

If you're stuck on where to start on your journey of self discovery, I found a few questions to guide you. I'll answer them personally and maybe it will help you along the way.

Ask yourself:

1. Am I using my time wisely?

Absolutely not. I wake up when I want, walk around a little. Peek through my blinds to see if any neighbors have gone to the dumpster lately. I've been straightening my hair every morning, though. Mostly because I'm nervous someone I know will face time me and see that I bare a striking resemblance to the cowardly lion in The Wizard of Oz. Then I turn on Oxygen or the ID channel and watch a show about murder to get me amped for whatever else the day may hold. It's always the spouse. To be serious for a moment, I'm doing something I've always wanted to do; write. And I'm getting enough sleep and talking to my family whenever I'm in the mood. So yeah, I'm using my time as wisely as I want to use it. But there's room to grow. There always is.

2. Am I taking care of myself physically?

Nope. Don't think I'm proud of any of my answers, either. But honesty is always the best policy. And if you read my last blog post I hate sweating. I'm just not at that point yet in my solidarity. I should be there; I've thought about it. Everyone's doing beach body or yoga and it really is admirable. Namaste. Namaste on this couch and continue to peek through my blinds every time I hear a noise outside. There was once a time I took dance classes 6 days a week. I sometimes wonder if I stopped and needed a break and I'm still not recovered. It's been over 15 years but still. I'm on a break. I'm also getting to the age where every time I move I get dizzy. Getting old is terrible. Have you tried going on a swing set when you're 34? Every few days I do a couple squats when I'm watching dateline or I run up the stairs super fast when I waited too long to pee. And isn't it enough to be grateful for the little things? I think so. So there's definitely room to grow.

3. What do I need to change about myself?

This feels like a personal attack. What do I need to change about myself? A lot. First, I'm ridiculously sensitive, but I'm incredibly sarcastic to the point where I can make fun of you, then cry when you turn it around on me. I'm notorious for removing myself from our family group texts. Tayla has left the conversation. Then 3 days later I need to awkwardly request to rejoin. But I do like that I'm sensitive. That I have emotions and I would never intentionally try to hurt another human being. Or animal. Which is a sign of a psychopath, by the way, so keep those eyes open. I like being able to empathize with others. Even if it means spontaneous bouts of sobbing. Second, I can be aggressive. I hold grudges but I'm loyal. My sister doesn't like you? Then I despise you. And I'm not even sure why. She once told me she was glad she was my sister because she wouldn't want to be on the other end of my wrath. I take it as a compliment. But can I calm down a little? Sure. I'll work on it. Another thing.. I can't control the faces I make. You know how they say people wear their emotions on their sleeve? I'm wearing a full-on moo moo. If I'm feeling it, you're seeing it. Again, a blessing and a curse. I need to work on my poker face for a variety of social situations. Like when I'm in a staff meeting and Nancy wants to share her thoughts on climate change. Don't worry I don't work with a Nancy. On second thought, don't we all work with a Nancy? I could go on and on, but I'll refrain for now. I'm working on recognizing my faults, but appreciating why it makes me who I am. And I'll keep working. There's so much room to grow.

4. What worries me most about the future?

Having a woman president. Kiddinggggg. Relax. What worries me most is being alone with no one to take care of me. And I don't like cats so I can't even rely on rescuing every stray to keep me company. If you have a cat I'll scratch under his chin and say 'oh my goodness, helloooooo' but I don't want it in my house. There's far too much fur. And those cans of cat food make me gag. Anyway, it's scary being alone. Who's going to visit me if I fall and break my hip? I better have a damn life alert around my neck. I'm not sure at what age your insurance covers that, but I'd like one in the next 2 years for security measures. And when the EMT asks me who they can call..

Of course I have my family.. my mom, my dad, and my sister. But it's different when you're not married. It's a sense of burden and inconvenience. And please don't send me messages that you'll come visit me after surgery. I don't need pity or attention. Just realistically sharing fears, which we all have. And there's still time to ease these fears and grow and maybe even find someone that will love me, wrath and all.

There's more questions you can ask yourself on this website. https://positivepsychology.com/introspection-self-reflection/

So take advantage of this time and get to know yourself. Look for the light in a time of darkness. Fill up your cup with some orange juice.. and prosecco if you're into that. And look at your cup as being half full. It's better than the alternative.

Enjoy the quiet.

xoxo

Tayla