home sweet home

The gang's all here. Grammy and grampy moved in about 3 weeks ago and I don't think I've sat down since. I take that back. I've sat down to play dominoes. Every single day. For hours. And each game is like the first she's ever played. But other than that I've been making breakfast, testing blood sugar levels, injecting insulin, organizing pills, giving showers, and making up stories about why grammy can't go back home. I don't say this for praise or pity, but as a way to remember this time in my life and the experiences that are making me stronger. I don't feel strong right now, I've actually developed a twitch in my jaw and my migraines have returned, but I know I will be one day. And I know one day I'll miss this.

I talked to an Alzheimer's consultant last week. She kept telling me I was doing everything right, but you can't help but be filled with guilt and sadness and frustration and anger. Grammy asks to go home constantly. I started counting one day but I couldn't keep track after the first 20 minutes . At least 30 times a day. And it kills me. I've been told that she would ask to go home even if she was home. And I've been told that "home" is a state of mind and not a physical place. It doesn't make it any easier. I often wonder if she's happy and it's just me that's struggling.. and for that I feel selfish. If she's in pain I want this to end for her. If she's not, I want to comfort her. But I have absolutely no way of knowing.

I stopped keeping track of how many times I've cried. I joined some facebook support groups and they really are encouraging and it's comforting to know that there are others that are going through the same thing. Except for one person.. who told me that it was unrealistic for me take this on. That it wasn't fair and this responsibility shouldn't be placed upon someone so young. Challenge accepted, bitch. She went on to say that my grandparents could live 5 more years. Well, let's hope so, ya ass. She ended her comment by saying, "Your grandparents would not want you to be doing this." I guess she doesn't know my grandparents. I think they would be proud. Nothing was placed on me. I asked for this. All of it. Knowing that it wasn't going to be easy. And it's not. It's horrible. But I asked for it and I would still ask for it today.

Everyone keeps telling me that I'm a saint or they tell me how strong I am. I get it from my mother. I couldn't do any of this without her and she knows it. She's constantly saying she wishes she could do more, but she's doing more than she will ever know. Being able to text her at all hours just to complain about the slurping of soup or ask if she's up for a game of dominoes. Or tell her to never ever buy fish chowder again. Not in this house. I'm making enough sacrifices. I will not. I will not have that stench permeate through this condo AND THEN be reheated the next day in the microwave. Everyone knows you don't heat fish in a microwave. Common courtesy. And don't bring a can of tuna fish in this house. I'll send you right back home with it.

But my mom will listen to me cry and pick up grammy for a ride around town and take that can of tuna right back home. And she'll come over and help me with the showers and dinners and the emotional stress that comes along with all of it. I'm so lucky. My grandmother doesn't know who we are half the time. I've stopped taking it personally. I know she would remember me if she could. But I know it hurts my mom and she needs to separate herself from it. That's why I'm here. And I don't mind being that person. My mom has given up so much for so many. She has no idea how important she is to me during this endeavor. Having someone to listen to you and relieve you is critical in dealing with something this heavy.

She might ask to go home for the rest of her life. We started off by saying that the virus was keeping her quarantined to my house but she's a clever little shit and asked who the hell would be checking on them. Good point. Then we said the plumber was there doing some work in the bathroom and she couldn't go home. She bought it for a few days and then said she was going to walk home if it came to that and she would pee in the yard if she had to. So now we tell her that it's not safe for her to go home. The doctors and the nurses won't let them. We say that they gave us a choice; nursing home or my house. Her response tells me I'm doing the right thing. She clicks back in to reality and says 'oh gosh, no. I would never want to be in a nursing home.' She goes on to say how grateful she is for letting her stay with me. This is all worth it.

I'm learning every day. We all are. It's not easy but I don't know when it will end and I don't want to wish it away now. I'm treasuring each day we have together, even through the tears and frustration.

She just grabbed her purse and cane. She's walking down the street.. probably trying to find her way home. Don't worry, I watch her the whole way and don't let her out of my sight. But she always ends up turning around and walking back inside. Maybe she feels home now.

xoxo

Tayla

ps.. I wrote a book if you want to buy it. I'm really proud of it. It's for grammy.

https://www.amazon.com/If-you-dont-remember-me/dp/B08GG2DM7P/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=if+you+don%27t+remember+me&qid=1599332281&sr=8-2