be strong

"Do not cast me away when I am old; do not forsake me when my strength is gone."

Psalms 71:9

My grandfather fell last week. I rode in the ambulance with him, peeking through the hole from the front cab only to see him chatting it up with the paramedic, cracking jokes about how he fell in the bathroom and called for my grandmother, only to have her continually open the door and bash it against his head. They said we would be in and out, a few tests, some blood work. When I told him how the COVID test worked, he turned white. But everything they did to him, every IV, every ultrasound, even the catheter, he handled with such nonchalance. If you know him, you know that he's always fine (he got a blood transfusion 3 months ago and he's laying there in the ICU asking the nurse if it's too late to order dinner). He's fine. He's always fine. But more than that, he's strong. The blood work came back and his kidneys weren't functioning. Let's be clear, though, he was fine. He kept telling me to go, but I waited. I thought about how I would feel, hooked up to machines and trying to understand what everyone around me was saying. I would be scared. So I waited.

Grammy keeps asking me where he is. She doesn't know why he can't be home. Growing up, grammy and grampy bickered back and forth constantly. Mostly grammy saying that she should have married rich and grampy mumbling under his breath to the point where it was completely incoherent. I don't think he ever said actual words. He just wanted you to ask him what he said and he always responded with, "nothing!" She kept asking about him, repeatedly questioning what happened and when he will be back. He's in a rehab facility now, trying to regain some strength. I called him, said that grammy was worried and asked him to talk with her. He knows, but I reminded him, she's going to ask you the same thing over and over. She just wants to talk to you.

I watched grammy with the phone held to her ear, asking if the nurses were cute and if he was eating enough. She was so happy. She was laughing. And he answered every question as though he hadn't heard it 30 seconds before. I get it now. I always say, jokingly, I won't get married because I don't want to argue with someone for the rest of my life. Maybe I'm not joking. I love being alone. I love being able to cook a chicken pot pie in the microwave with no pants on and without the fear of being judged. Plus, I've seen way too many dateline episodes to trust anyone. It's always the husband. And now, I get it. Grammy and grampy have each other. No matter what else is happening in the world, they have each other. This journey hasn't been easy for grampy, watching his wife of almost 70 years crumble before his eyes. He's so strong. He calls and vents about how she keeps moving his cup and how she's been tossing perfectly good food over the porch. We found hamburgers and noodles weeks later as we were planting on the ground below. It's not easy, but he doesn't let her see it. I've seen him be so genuinely kind and compassionate. He knows it's not her fault. He knows she needs her medicine and that he needs to get it. He knows that just being there makes all the difference in the world. I know they didn't have the easiest marriage, nobody does. But seeing grammy light up as she heard his voice made me realize that the past plays no role in their present happiness. And right now, they bring each other happiness. They sleep in separate rooms and he still mumbles while she yells at him to get the mail when can barely stand, but they make each other happy.

Grampy called me last night. I told him I would come get him whenever he wanted. They can't hold you there. Just say the word and we're getting you out. He told me there were plenty of windows to plan our escape. He asked me how it was going, and I told him it really wasn't bad. His response is one I keep replaying over and over in my head. I guess that's the theme lately, over and over. He said, "You're a strong person." My heart stops a little when I hear it played back in my head now. He's never said anything like that before. I don't think I've ever felt what I felt in that moment. Maybe it was pride. Maybe it was gratitude or humility. Or maybe it was strength. I guess it runs in the family.

I'm hoping he comes back home in the next few days. We all need him. I just want him to know that I'll use every bit of strength I have to replace any strength he may have lost. I can do it. I'm fine.

xoxo

Tayla